The revolting rhyme of Hansel and Gretel

On International Literacy day this is my tribute to the late, great and utterly fabulous Roald Dahl for his day, 13th September 2015

Hansel e Gretel revolting rhymeHansel and Gretel were hard to like kids
Dining on chocolate, waffles and ribs
Stuffing their faces and eating all day
Watching TV over going to play
They had as much charm as a smelly old sock
Their clock of life chances was screaming ‘tick-tock!’
Now mum worked hard and dad did too
But all their endeavours were turning to poo
So mum decided to make them diet
She knew it wouldn’t keep their tummies quiet
At first mum tried sprout soup and lentil broth
Then it was cabbage and broccoli froth
Next was some rice with a few baked beans
Followed by lettuce with plenty of greens
Soon the kids were going insane
And hatched a plan to get out of this game
‘I can’t take this no more’ Hansel cried
‘It feels like my belly has shrivelled and died!’
‘I know a place we can go feast’
‘At that mad old woman’s house out to the east’
‘She has taps that run with honey!’
‘And her roof is made of chocolate, how yummy!’
So Gretel took Hansel by the hand
To waddle to their wonderland
Their walking was slow and soon they were puffed
From years and years of being too stuffed
All that cake and processed pop
Would they ever reach the stupid bus stop?
(You didn’t think they’d walk all that way?
They wanted to get there within the day)
Taking up nearly two seats each
They looked like James’ giant peach
At almost 5 stone overweight
The driver thought they looked like freight!
Panting as they continued their plight
The mad ladies house soon came into sight
A sweet smell of baking wafted over to them
Causing them both to dribble some phlegm!
The garden was filled with oodles of cakes
Decorated with icing and colourful flakes
Licking their lips, they nibbled on one
Then they grabbed handfuls and munched by the ton!
‘What’s going on?’ cried a greenish old lady
(Something about her was a little bit shady
Her nose had a wart and she was all dressed in black)
She startled the kids who were taken aback
Seeing their frenzied and ravenous eating
The old lady thought to give them a beating
But instead she decided to let them have fun
For indeed what harm had they done?
‘Come inside’ she said ‘for mountains of chips’
‘Together with plenty of nachos and dips!’
Hansel and Gretel beamed in pleasure
At being offered such wonderful treasure!
Hurrying inside they went with all haste
They couldn’t wait to have a great taste!
Bursting quickly through the door
Their eyes soon gazed upon the floor
Where stood a cauldron full of chips
To which Hansel raced to get to grips!
With thoughts of nothing but the vat
Hansel leapt like a cat
Headfirst into the steaming mound
To begin consuming by the pound
Gretel‘s first instinct was to follow
With the intention to also wallow
But twitching her nose she noticed the oven
A temptingly open dessert filled cozen!
Forgetting the chips
Gretel runs, but trips!
Head over heels into the cooker she flew
Not even landing she started to chew
The children gorged like never before
All they could think of was having some more!
Soon though they began to swell
Until they were stuck and started to yell
Hansel wriggled but was wedged in too tight
And Gretal’s behind caused a similar plight
The old lady chuckled to begin with at first
But soon she realised to fear for the worst
‘See what happens when you get too fat!’
‘Now you may never get out of my vat!’
‘You came over here and ate my food’
‘Until in both pot and oven you’re glued!’
Despite her best efforts and occasional cuss
Slowly their bodies stopped making a fuss
After an hour she gave up and looked
Gretel was roasted and Hansel was cooked!
Sitting down she reflected on these fools
These children who had broken many rules
They’d wandered off out on their own
And stolen from a little old lady’s home
And whilst she had not meant them any harm
Their end did not cause her too much alarm
They were so fat, something she could not abide!
It was all their fault that they were too wide!
And although she knew many wrongs don’t make a right
And that one should never act from spite
‘Waste not want not’ was a mantra for her life
And so she began to sharpen up her knife
For the rest of the month she feasted like a queen
Dining on Hansel hash and Gretel spleen
Let’s face it the state pension only goes so far
And now she could spend that down at the bar!